The Willy Crystal Show with Anthony Atamanuik

Jason Gore (00:03)
Valley Newsradio 8888. It is 1202. Top of the hour news. I'm Blump Crumpton.

Garlock (00:11)
And I'm Krant Blanston.

Jason Gore (00:13)
And here is your Val Verde news. Val Verde schools banned backpacks with wheels. The Val Verde Unified School District has banned rolling backpacks after one became detached from a sixth grader and traveled nearly four miles down Hog Street. Parents are calling the ban Government Overreach. Well, we'll see about that.

Garlock (00:33)
Well

speaking of government overreach mayonnaise. If you want your coleslaw, you want your shrimp salad, ain't gonna have it because we have it banned from the local Charnies because of contaminants given to us from Charlesburg, from the Charlesburg Mayo.

Receptory that is brought over, so please stay away from all of the mayonnaise. Very good, very good, very good.

Jason Gore (00:58)
Very good receptor. Very good receptor. Very good way.

Mayor Lee Roth has issued a voluntary 10 p.m. curfew for Valverde's coyote population. Coyotes found outside curfew will receive a verbal warning from Val Verde police. And repeat offenders may have their names published in the Val Verde Penny Saver. Coyotes have not responded, largely because, of course, we know they do not recognize municipal authority. Ugh.

Garlock (01:26)
And of course, watch out for the raccoons because they still have guns. All of the wild raccoons, given the guns that were turned in for guns for toys, they

Jason Gore (01:31)
Still have guns. Not take it away. Not.

Garlock (01:37)
stole the raccoon guns and now they are just guns in their hands, shooting people left and right. So be warned. Coyotes, no verbal warnings. Raccoons have guns.

Jason Gore (01:50)
In

Val Verde Sports, the Toronto Blue Jays take it on the Val Verde Pipe Layers down at Layer Stadium. It's a double feature. Double header, I should say. starting at 4 p.m. today. So if you got tickets for that, I hope you're enjoy that. That should be good. Val Verde weather, what are we looking at there? Well cold.

Garlock (02:08)
Cold Bluh Bluch.

Jason Gore (02:10)
Alright. Continuing on with the Willy Crystal show. After these messages.

Valley Newsradio 8888. Your home for What's News?

Willy (03:25)
That blackberry tea's too hot. Put it back in the microwave. It's too Cranston when you're gonna bring

Jason Gore (03:29)
Put it back on there. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Willy (03:32)
me a blackberry tea, it has to be exactly one hundred and forty two degrees or I can't drink it.

Jason Gore (03:38)
Well I had the candy thermometer in it and I I'm sorry, I blew it again. I blew the I blow it every day

Willy (03:40)
You know s listen. Crimson

Jason Gore (03:44)
here on the Wheelie Christmas show. I'm sorry.

Willy (03:46)
Okay,

I'm gonna tell you, I could hire someone living in a tent under the 101, they do a better job serving me their piss. It's

Jason Gore (03:55)
Ha ha ha.

Willy (03:56)
Willy Crystal here, and boy do we have an hour of show for you today. The whole world is coming apart. As we all know, there is more releases, more alien releases coming out every day, more navy video releases.

More people who are who who are stepping out of the shadows, they're revealing these multidimensional beings. A lot of people have said, How have you gotten here, Willie? Where did you go? Where is Willie Grizzle? Okay. Yes, it's true. I'm a bastion of conservatism. I am a man who stood by and and I scraped the jizz off of Monica Lewinsky's dress when it was on display at the Great American fair

that happened two hundred and fifty anniversary. They brought it around the way they bring the Italians, the you know the the greasy ape like Italians, they love to worship clothing and and small objects like like

Jason Gore (04:58)
I think

Willy (04:58)
a an animal, like a like a mocking bird. They collect things,

magpie bird is is what we call but mocking birds is an appropriate term also because we're mocking America with what Bill Clinton didn't, and I still have that in my value system. And I scraped it off and I I took the DNA and I brought it to a secret lab in South Korea, and I made a very small Bill Clinton that I now keep. It's a baby version of him. I've taught him how to speak and how to serve me.

although he still is charismatic, I have to say, as charismatic. Well, Grantston, you love him. You he has to sleep with you in the bed like a little doll.

Jason Gore (05:32)
he's he he's cute as hell. He's cute y I love him. Ma

you know, it's like bringing a puppy at home. You try to put it in the crate first and then it just cries

Willy (05:42)
Yep.

Jason Gore (05:43)
in the crate and then you're like, Well, I guess this little Bill Clinton's gonna sleep in the bed with me and he does.

Willy (05:47)
And he's still humping your leg, I hear? Yeah.

Jason Gore (05:49)
Humps all the time, does not

stop. But he has a lot to say about the G twenty.

Willy (05:54)
Yeah, well of course he does, even though he's I mean, this is the problem is his mind is frozen. His mind is frozen in another time because

Jason Gore (06:01)
Browsing. Yep.

Willy (06:03)
as we know there's a lot of G's that have entered and a lot of G's that are leaving and in to get

Jason Gore (06:06)
Okay.

Willy (06:08)
in the G spot is very difficult. To get in the G to get to the G spot, to get in there, to hook

Jason Gore (06:12)
Yep. Yep.

Willy (06:13)
in, to grab it by the bone, to pull correctly, is very hard to get inside that G, worm your way in. We know

Jason Gore (06:20)
Gotta get in there. Yeah.

Willy (06:21)
Angela Merkel could do it.

Putin not as successful. And and and but they're all members of the same satanic multidimensional cabal that controls not only this dimension but many others. And and and Cranson, you said that he you said this is a I thought a very gin interesting genetic anomaly, and I think it links

Jason Gore (06:42)
Uh-huh.

Willy (06:43)
up to COVID and and the the COVID lab leak, and of course,

Jason Gore (06:47)
Yeah.

Willy (06:48)
you know, we know the warrant is out for arrest for Dr. Fauci.

Jason Gore (06:52)
my god.

Willy (06:53)
And

another Italian who's brought shame to this country as they all do, and he he is out and we are hunting him. We've we've hired well,

Jason Gore (07:01)
We are hunting him.

Willy (07:03)
Cranson, now you now you said now of course COVID the lie was that COVID made us lose our our taste, lose our our sense of smell.

Jason Gore (07:05)
Yep. big lie. Yeah. Mm.

Willy (07:12)
But what we do know is that the the opposite is true with little Bill Clinton, that he actually jizzes cinnamon cream.

Jason Gore (07:20)
He does. It's the sweetest I've ever tasted. It gets everywhere. And now I'm straight as an arrow. I'm the

Willy (07:23)
Mm-hmm. But you're straight as an arrow, right, Cranston? Yeah.

Jason Gore (07:28)
straightest arrow like you know. Robin Hood could just fire me off right off at

the at the the

Willy (07:33)
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jason Gore (07:34)
sheriff of Noddenwood and he would get because it's so straight. Yep.

Willy (07:37)
Absolutely. You know,

that's a Masonic it's actually a Templar metaphor.

Jason Gore (07:41)
Really?

Willy (07:42)
Yeah, Ivanhoe was a Templar metaphor. Of course, Robin

Jason Gore (07:46)
Uh-huh.

Willy (07:46)
Hood is representative actually of an ideal of the green gold produced the transformation of lead to gold. That's why he is

Jason Gore (07:55)
Wow.

Willy (07:55)
reversing the flow of money. This was a metaphor, and of course the sheriff of Nottingham representing the

trap, the Luciferian trap of being in one's body, being trapped of

Jason Gore (08:07)
my lord.

Willy (08:08)
the world. And then you had Big John, you know, Big John I don't know what he represents, but he was certainly lovable. And and and those arrows now your roommate Fabrice, that young Latin boy I met last time, he's s just turned eighteen and

Jason Gore (08:20)
Mm-hmm. Yep, for Breeze. Yep. We had a party. Let me tell

you we had a party. We had one. You

Willy (08:27)
yes. So tell how was your birthday party with Fabrice? I saw

some pictures. It looks like you were all having a lot of fun in a hot tub.

Jason Gore (08:33)
We had so much fun in a hot tub. It was me and Fabriz Big Jan and Jimmy and little Bill Clinton just kept dunking under the water and then just popping

Willy (08:42)
Right.

Jason Gore (08:42)
out in a blue suit, dry as can be. We're like, how do you do that? How do you do that, tiny Bill Clinton? That is real

Willy (08:47)
Well that's yeah. Well that's the reptilian skin. That's a re

Jason Gore (08:50)
I was gonna I was getting there. I was gonna say it's definitely part of his reptilian b DNA.

Willy (08:55)
Right, right, right, yes, absolutely. I hear you a loud and clear, Cranston but I I do I want you to meet my sister. I think you'd love her. You know, she's fifty eight years young, she's barren, of course, but

Jason Gore (09:03)
man, I would love to. I would be blessed. Good age, good age.

Willy (09:10)
as all the women in my family were had hysterectomies when they turned sixteen. It was a tradition in our

Jason Gore (09:15)
Really?

Willy (09:16)
family, yes. we only have one.

Jason Gore (09:18)
All the crystal

women were just like hysterectomy time, happy sixteenth birthday, get on in there.

Willy (09:23)
We did not want to risk

that's right, we did not want to r everyone knows the crystal family male line is strongest when presenting our semen. And we don't need

Jason Gore (09:35)
my lord. Yep.

Willy (09:37)
women crystals. We don't need lady crystals producing heirs that could potentially take the vast fortune that we have that we have not had access yet to, but we do know that up in Nova Scotia

Our fortune is hidden in a well that is impossible to access. There is water flowing in there, s multiple chambers. We know that a crystal of old who sailed over to what was at then the time part of the crowd, and and that crystal, of course, a Scottish name originally and name for the crystal the cry McCrystal, and we are of course related distantly to Christy McNichol.

And yes, her name was Nikki McChrystal originally and she changed it to go

Jason Gore (10:21)
my lord.

Willy (10:25)
to Hollywood, but it was Nicky McChrystal and she changed it to Christy McNichol, and she had a lot of success on Empty

Nest, as we all know.

Jason Gore (10:34)
Unbelievable.

so much success on Empty Nest. I talk about that all the time. How successful that show was. It should have had more seasons, but they were like, I think we did it. I think it's done. I think the story's told. Hey, I Something

Willy (10:46)
That's right. I think five five or six seasons correct. I mean I think it ran for quite a while.

Jason Gore (10:51)
like that. You're like, Jesus Christ, season five of Empty Nest. We're doing that? We're doing that?

Willy (10:59)
I think it outlasted Golden Palace, if I'm correct.

Jason Gore (11:01)
I think it did. I think Golden Palace got shot right in the head mid season. Hey, I do have to tell you, I got something for you, Willie. Willie's panel

Willy (11:05)
That's right. Speaking, yes. Yeah. yeah.

Jason Gore (11:09)
is set up and ready to go. We got your guests.

Willy (11:13)
y are you are you telling me are you saying to me that we have a panel today that Whisp

Jason Gore (11:18)
You have a panel today.

Willy (11:20)
and Jeff are joining me, they are the most generous hosts. We have a lot of news to talk about, and I wanna talk about my transformation into a multidimensional being. So let's get them on here so we can talk

Jason Gore (11:29)
Ho ho. Let's get over. Here we go.

Willy (11:32)
about thank you, Cranston.

Jason Gore (11:35)
Alright, I'm just gonna sit down here in this chair. Alright. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. my you could not shut him up. He was just like, empty nest here. What about where's Joe Azuzu playing here? Yeah.

Garlock (11:36)
I guess I'm just gonna My God I'm g I gotta say, I was over there champing at the bit to talk about empty nests like everyone is. My god I'm like, what about Joe Isuzu? Let's talk about Joe Isuzu and his career.

Willy (11:39)
Look at these two working girls.

Well Joe I mean, let's talk about it. I'm I

love you know, I'll tell you, Joe Izuzu often people confuse him with the micro machines man. A lot of people

Jason Gore (11:56)
Really do.

Willy (11:57)
think he's the same person not the same person at all. In

Jason Gore (12:00)
No, no.

Willy (12:01)
fact, one you could argue has great talent, the micro machine man, and then there's

Jason Gore (12:04)
Yes.

Willy (12:05)
Joe Izuzu.

Jason Gore (12:06)
And then hope you're not listening here to Valley Newsradio eighty eight eighty eight, Joe Asuzu. Yeah, rest in power. Yeah.

Garlock (12:10)
Rest in power, Joe Azuzu. Proto flow from progressive. Godspeed

that you set the

Willy (12:16)
That is true.

Garlock (12:17)
set the tone for being in commercials for twenty years and then showing up on empty nests.

Willy (12:22)
Well now you boys you boys

Jason Gore (12:22)
my lord. Yes.

Willy (12:24)
are of course very successful here on on the in i on the radio network. You of course have shadowed me in

Jason Gore (12:27)
Incredibly. Yes. Yeah.

Willy (12:32)
every aspect of your career. And that without me w

Jason Gore (12:35)
Well Maybe.

Willy (12:38)
I think it's pretty clear that you wouldn't have shows and and I thank you for that. I thank you for that.

Jason Gore (12:42)
I'd say that's a stretch. I'd say that's

a stretch. But sure, we're we're in I may am the oldest one here, but let's just

Garlock (12:45)
So questionable who's the oldest one here is either Whisp or Willy, but

Jason Gore (12:50)
say we're on your territory. so we we doff our caps

Willy (12:51)
Yeah, yep, yep. Yeah.

Garlock (12:53)
Eight.

Jason Gore (12:55)
to you, Willie.

Garlock (12:56)
We doff.

If we were talking classic rock in the morning on Wadaway Point Nine in the

Jason Gore (12:59)
Right.

Garlock (12:59)
Hawk, the Whisp Turlington show, then hey, y the the the cap would be doffed the other way, yeah.

Willy (13:01)
Right, right, right. The cap would go back on and I

Jason Gore (13:01)
Right.

Willy (13:05)
would appreciate it. I

Jason Gore (13:05)
Yeah.

Willy (13:06)
as you know, I only know one album and it

Jason Gore (13:09)
Ooh.

Willy (13:09)
is I only know one music album, actually. A lot of people don't know this. I know d the s Muppet television show s album, the soundtrack of one episode.

Jason Gore (13:22)
my god.

Willy (13:23)
That's the only

Garlock (13:23)
One episode.

Willy (13:24)
album I've ever listened to. It's an episode of the Muppet Show.

It is segment by segment. There's not a lot of music on it. I think there's only one song, plus the intro song. And besides that, I've never heard music. I've never I've actually never heard music.

Garlock (13:37)
Really? Just the one Paul

Williams song

Jason Gore (13:40)
I mean

Garlock (13:40)
that was probably on that and then the rest of it was just just that episode

Willy (13:43)
There it is. I this.

Garlock (13:45)
of where Kermit was going non union in the production of Muppets and he was like

Jason Gore (13:46)
My God.

Garlock (13:50)
Screw you, beaker.

Willy (13:51)
Yeah, that's

non union. Well, you know, Jim Henson yes sure.

Jason Gore (13:52)
I just wanna I just wanna point out something, Willie, if you if you allow me to. Your producer

got the Muffet Show theme up so fast, but our producer

Garlock (14:01)
So fast.

Willy (14:01)
That's Cranston.

Jason Gore (14:02)
Scotty will never pull we're just like, okay, we

Willy (14:04)
You know

Jason Gore (14:05)
say something and then and we look at him and he's got his hands up and we're just like, How how did how does Cranston got it when when our guy Scotty doesn't? Thank you. Thank you.

Willy (14:13)
We w well Cranston, you know, I'll tell you, Cranson,

Garlock (14:13)
Cristin's got the goods.

Willy (14:17)
Cranson's an odd you're an odd fella. I'll say that. He's an odd fella. He's a funny

Garlock (14:21)
Yeah.

Willy (14:21)
guy. He's always got a big laugh and he's the best chef, one of the great chefs, and

Jason Gore (14:22)
tha thank you, I try. I do. my lord. Really?

Garlock (14:28)
Really?

Willy (14:29)
you he's a fantastic chef. He's always preparing new meals for me. You know, th the the pattern is for Cranston.

Jason Gore (14:34)
Mm-hmm.

Willy (14:35)
He will go out one night, you know, I can never get in touch. Obviously every night I say good night. I call him every single night.

before I go to bed

Garlock (14:42)
That's sweet.

Willy (14:43)
and I tell him good night and I ask

Jason Gore (14:43)
It is a very sweet. Yeah.

Willy (14:45)
him if he's had his evening cookie and has

Jason Gore (14:48)
Yep.

Willy (14:49)
he gone and how is little Bill Clinton, of course. And he's essentially like a son to me. And

Jason Gore (14:55)
hell.

Willy (14:55)
but there's nights you can't find out what he's do where he's going, what he's been doing. And he will

Garlock (15:02)
It's a man of mystery.

Willy (15:03)
and sometimes I've I've shown up to the house and I will find him returning in the morning and a in quite a state, sweaty

in all black clad, wearing a balaclava, and then we will

Jason Gore (15:10)
Yep. Yep.

Willy (15:12)
have the most delicious meals of sweetbreads and livers and kidneys,

Jason Gore (15:15)
Mm. Ha ha.

Willy (15:18)
and they are fantastically produced meals. and he is you are an incredible cook.

Jason Gore (15:21)
Th thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Garlock (15:25)
you like the liver king, Cranston?

Jason Gore (15:27)
you know, at the end of the day, I do think myself as a liver king sometimes. Well, you know, sometimes I talk about the food period and that is the sweet breads and the livers and the gizzard. Did I say p sh I meant to say pyramid, but pi but but during my food period I'm gonna be eating all the sweetened breads if you know what I'm talking about. Jesus. I am shy.

Willy (15:34)
The food period. And that's what's interesting. So the food period No, now don't don't sell yourselves I'm gonna tell you right now that's r you're Cranston is being shy, but he did tell me one

Garlock (15:35)
It's of course the food period, yes, not the food pyramid.

That?

Willy (15:51)
day, he said, I'm having one of my visions. I said, What do you mean? And his eyes rolled back in his head

and he started sweating profusely and he said there is a

There is a a cervix of food. It's Mother Earth, and

Jason Gore (16:06)
Yep.

Willy (16:06)
Mother Earth has all the food, the nutrients, the cows, the

Jason Gore (16:10)
Yeah.

Willy (16:11)
the people, the the the the celery, the lettuce, all the different things that earth produces. And when we harvest, we are harvesting the uterine lining of the the the discharge the earth is giving us. And you said that this is a food period.

Jason Gore (16:29)
Yeah,

it's a food period we're in. Yep. When?

Willy (16:29)
That w that yes, that and that that the blood flow you I remember what he said verbatim. He said when

when it is time to make a cutting the blood flows and I've and I've never understood what that meant, but then there's always

Jason Gore (16:39)
When it is time to make a cut and the blood flows. Well

Willy (16:44)
a huge meal of sweetbreads, livers, lungs, hearts Yeah.

Garlock (16:45)
It's very wicker man in some ways. It's a old school.

Jason Gore (16:47)
Yeah. Yep.

Some

Garlock (16:49)
Is this

why there was a plate of pig vaginas in the green room?

Jason Gore (16:52)
Did you have one?

Garlock (16:53)
I I trust me, I did not. I did not my god and that's what I'm worried about because I've watched Deadwood about four

Jason Gore (16:55)
I did not eat a pig vagina. That th that's a I got a big old plate of long pig out there.

Willy (16:55)
And what's strange is he always calls it long pig, which I don't understand what that means.

Garlock (17:03)
or five times all the way through, and I'm starting to

Willy (17:04)
Right, right, right, right.

Garlock (17:06)
wonder about the plate of pig vaginas now, Cranston.

Jason Gore (17:09)
Well, you can know if you like

Willy (17:09)
Well, you're worried they're not sanitary?

Jason Gore (17:11)
Yeah, what is it? And what what what what what what b what bothers you? My God, what bothers you? Don't get on Cranston's bed, Jesus. Want my head to get my eyes go back. my Lord. No clue what you're talking about, Hannibal.

Willy (17:13)
He's very sanitary. You better watch yourself, I'm gonna tell you right now. Don't get on Cranston's bad side.

Garlock (17:18)
my god. Jeeze. The house that Cranston built over here. my god. Got it. It's like a new episode of Hannibal came out. Jesus Christ.

Willy (17:28)
What? I have no idea what you're referencing at all. I don't know what you're

talking about.

Jason Gore (17:33)
Hey, we got we gotta go back to commercial right now, Willie, and we're gonna come back and and we're gonna know we're gonna talk

Willy (17:36)
Whoa, we didn't even get to the news.

Garlock (17:38)
Jesus.

Jason Gore (17:39)
about the news after this, but we got so many commercials to get to today. So here we

Willy (17:42)
Or you're the boss.

Jason Gore (17:44)
go. Here we go. We're going into commercials. The Willy Crystal Show.

The Willy Crystal Show.

Willy (19:57)
Well, I agree with you, Jeff, about that. I think that you can lump the Irish in with the Italians. They are semi human.

Garlock (20:02)
Whoa, hey,

whoa, geez, so my god.

Jason Gore (20:03)
Jeff, why did you even bring that up?

Garlock (20:05)
Why didn't I bring that up on commercial break?

Willy (20:07)
Right.

Garlock (20:08)
god, I was just talking about Lucky Charms and all of a sudden I just went

Jason Gore (20:09)
Jesus. I'm looking at my

Garlock (20:12)
off into a fugue state.

Willy (20:13)
Well, big

Irish did something. They they you know, they really they got into our casinos, they got into our cereal and they got into our bars. You know, when you look back over a hundred years ago, you had pubs, you had public houses, you had drinking holes, you had watering holes, and then

Jason Gore (20:29)
Right.

Willy (20:30)
the Irish show up and suddenly there is a lucky shamrock above every bar entrance and don't

Garlock (20:35)
My god.

Willy (20:36)
tell me that's not an accident. These are people of different

Reality I don't know if you've ever heard of New Gran

Jason Gore (20:41)
Okay, okay, all right.

Garlock (20:42)
Really?

Willy (20:43)
Well have you ever heard of New Grange?

Jason Gore (20:45)
I have never heard of New Grange, is it Bruce is it n new Bruce Hornsby in the New Grange?

Garlock (20:46)
I've heard of Bruce Hornsby in the Range, by the way. Is this what we're talking about? Bruce Hornsby in the

new Grange?

That's what I thought, yeah.

Willy (20:54)
No idea who he is. Yeah.

Jason Gore (20:55)
Okay, well, that's

just the way it is. Hey, yeah, it could be.

Willy (20:57)
Is he a man made of horns and and surrounded by bees?

Jason Gore (21:01)
He should be. I mean it's in the name, Hornsby. I

Garlock (21:02)
He should be and he could be.

Jason Gore (21:04)
just want to say really quick to all the Willy Crystal listeners out there, if there are any Irish in the vicinity of the studios right here that could help me with this tiny paper plate of long pigs, I would enjoy it, because I cannot eat this. I cannot eat it. They'll eat it.

Willy (21:17)
Well, I'll t the Irish love it. They'll get down, you can throw

it in a goddamn trough and they'll eat it. They don't care. They'll get on their knees. But also I wanna say we

Jason Gore (21:24)
Yeah. I heard about that.

Willy (21:25)
are hiring here at the Willy Crystal Show. We're hiring

Jason Gore (21:28)
Whoa.

Willy (21:28)
a couple of PAs, but I wanna just say right now before I nail it up on the door, Nina, no Irish need apply.

Garlock (21:35)
Wow.

Jason Gore (21:37)
Well, I'll get that ready. I got a couple of I got a couple of nails over here and I'll just I'm gonna put

Garlock (21:40)
You're working on a cross stitch of that sign?

Willy (21:40)
Why don't you use that on the Microsoft Word? Use a template. You wanna use that fun template you use

with the different emoticon the the the wingdings, you know, which predicted nine eleven. I think we all know that.

Jason Gore (21:48)
Wingdings? I'm putting wingdings all over it. well

you know that happened. I I'm gonna put wingdings all over this. Yeah, good. Here we go,

Garlock (21:54)
You know, honestly I think you should use a lot of wingdings for some of Willie's statements, if you know what I mean.

Jason Gore (21:59)
Willie. We got the news.

Willy (22:01)
this is so interesting.

The news is so I so first off a lot of people are curious about this flood in the Grand Canyon. Have you heard about this?

Garlock (22:11)
my g

Jason Gore (22:11)
my god,

I heard all about it. Heard all

Garlock (22:12)
my god, I did.

Jason Gore (22:14)
about how does water get in the canyon first?

Willy (22:16)
Well, it's interesting that the water that flowed into that cat that canyon they're still unable to determine its origin. Apparently, the though big meteorology would tell you that there is a storm front that led to a cresting of some lakes and various eddies around the area. the truth is

Garlock (22:39)
When you're talking

about big meteor algae, you're of course talking about Adam McKay, right?

Willy (22:43)
I well, you know, Adam McKay to me is a man who is selling a bill of goods that is a huge lie. The last time

Garlock (22:51)
man.

Willy (22:52)
I checked, I went outside.

Jason Gore (22:52)
Wow.

Willy (22:53)
It was a beautiful 72 degrees and it was sunny and I felt great. the last time I checked, New York I saw AI. The la I think that New York actually seems to have lost water from the last time I watched it.

And AI, that little boy from the sixth sense, is swimming around Times Square. And now you can walk around Times Square. And AI was made twenty plus years ago. So I think

Jason Gore (23:21)
Haley Joseph asked me.

Willy (23:24)
Helly Josh Minoshmins, yes, that's him.

Garlock (23:25)
Haley Joel Schminachman.

Jason Gore (23:26)
Yep, that's his name.

Willy (23:27)
He is he's a fun he's a fun guy, and now of course he's a big boy, he's a big man and

Jason Gore (23:31)
He's so funny. Big boy

Garlock (23:34)
Yes.

Jason Gore (23:34)
little boy turns

into a big boy. I keep telling that to little Bill Clinton, but it ain't never gonna happen.

Garlock (23:38)
My god, he j little little Bill Clinton's just staring up at balloons like he's at the Hillary Clinton thing. Every time he talks he's like the hits are coming from the sky.

Jason Gore (23:41)
Yep. It's like I've never seen these.

Willy (23:42)
Yeah, he c he thinks they're tits. He thinks they're tits. Yeah, yeah, he thinks. You know,

we're thinking actually of making a little Hillary Clinton, but every time we start to clone the fetus he punches out the glass that it's held in. So I think there's something in the DNA. But this i So slick Willie,

Jason Gore (23:57)
That's what's gonna happen. That is what's gonna happen. Yeah. I wanna see you be brave. Yeah.

Garlock (23:57)
That that sounds like a Clinton move right there.

Slick Willy for ya, huh?

Willy (24:06)
but although sticky Willie because of all the the cinnamon jizz he's making.

Garlock (24:11)
my

god, so sweet.

Willy (24:11)
The

the water now a lot of people don't know this that the Navajo have d the Navajo people, as you know I'm very in touch with indigenous practices. It is the one place I am deeply respectful. you know,

Jason Gore (24:27)
truly, truly. Yeah. Yeah.

Garlock (24:26)
I can tell by your pronunciation.

Willy (24:30)
a lot of people of my ilk, although we are wildly bigoted in many different areas and

Jason Gore (24:37)
Hugely.

Willy (24:38)
And and and I'm openly a bigot of racist misogynist and I hate children too. But we have deep we have deep respect

Jason Gore (24:43)
Yeah. Yeah. Confirmed.

Willy (24:48)
for the indigenous peoples.

Jason Gore (24:49)
They

Willy (24:50)
And it comes from the fact that we've killed most of them, so it's easy to respect them because they're not they're not gonna get me. And so the I I did a little just a very slight impersonation of my hero.

President Donald Trump. I just accidentally did it.

Jason Gore (25:09)
my god. yours and mine. Yours and

Garlock (25:10)
It was just beautiful.

Jason Gore (25:13)
mine. It just comes up. I do man,

Garlock (25:13)
It's hard to not slip into Slick Willy for just a second, you know?

Jason Gore (25:17)
I do it all the time. I do it all the time. I'm just talking and suddenly I'm just like Qatar gave me a plane. Get on my Qatar plane. I

Garlock (25:22)
Yeah.

Willy (25:23)
Ha ho ho ho ho ho ho ho Cramston.

Jason Gore (25:26)
wait, I can't get on the Qatar plane. I'm gonna have to get in the the the the catering bucket will pour me in. Pour me in! Pour me in.

Willy (25:34)
All right, that's it. It is the Willy Crystal

Show, Cranston.

Garlock (25:38)
Willy Crystal Showcare, Jesus.

Jason Gore (25:38)
Sorry, sorry, back.

Willy (25:40)
It is the Willy Crystal. What did I call it? What did I call it? Did I say Billy Crystal?

Jason Gore (25:42)
I know. What did you say, Billy Crystal? I

mean you may you have

Garlock (25:46)
You might have.

Jason Gore (25:47)
before. Hell, hell, it ain't the first time won't be the last.

Willy (25:48)
I have Well this is a this

is a very interesting story with the Grand Canyon. These Navajos

Garlock (25:55)
Yeah, it is.

Willy (25:56)
get it together The

Jason Gore (25:58)
Okay, God.

Garlock (25:59)
Jesus Christ.

Willy (26:00)
The Navajo cursed this canyon.

Jason Gore (26:01)
Navajo. Right.

I her knew that.

Willy (26:06)
The myth is that a water otter that was worshipped by the by the tribe known as the Navajo, that

Jason Gore (26:18)
Okay.

Willy (26:18)
they worshiped the water otter and they painted a large mural with using ancient techniques, grinding various minerals and taking sacred leaves from trees and using of course

maze that they shipped in

Jason Gore (26:37)
Wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, what's that? What is that? What is maze? For for the uninitiated

Willy (26:40)
Maze

Jason Gore (26:42)
here, I mean, how what are we talking? A corn maze?

Willy (26:44)
It is indigenous.

It is no well, you're close, which is it's

Jason Gore (26:48)
Well.

Willy (26:49)
indigenous.

Garlock (26:49)
Is it one half

of that movie that Tom Hanks was in, Mazes and Monsters?

Willy (26:53)
Almost it's all you're both almost correct.

Jason Gore (26:57)
Is

it close to that other movie where all the kids get caught in something and called The Maze Runner?

Willy (27:04)
Yes, it's nothing to do with that but love that series. I love that series. It's you know,

Jason Gore (27:07)
I tried. my god. So good. So good.

Garlock (27:10)
my god.

Willy (27:11)
I love all the series that came out in the aughts into teens that focused on teens who were caught in some post apocalyptic trial

that they had to survive while also being sexy along the way.

Garlock (27:28)
my god.

Jason Gore (27:28)
Sexy

as hell and then they go to the one area that's still good that's kind of basically like future New York and everyone's sexy? And Stanley Tucci's there?

Willy (27:35)
That's right. And everyone's sexy and

Garlock (27:37)
They saw Battle Royale

and they said, Hey, let's run with it and make it sexier, if you know what I mean.

Willy (27:41)
Right.

Jason Gore (27:41)
Make it Zexy.

Willy (27:42)
And of course this is propaganda that was produced by Hollywood and the One World Government to tell us and prepare us for the future that we are going to encounter. One where only young, hot teens survive, and then older men like us live in beautiful cushy cities and we put them through various trials, and then the hottest ones survive, and then we get to bed them at the end of the movie.

Jason Gore (28:08)
Yep. Yep.

Garlock (28:09)
You

know, I think I saw an actual news report of that before Jason Statham's mutiny. I was shocked that they were they were

Willy (28:16)
Yes.

Garlock (28:16)
showing newsreels instead of previews,

Willy (28:18)
Yes.

Jason Gore (28:18)
Wow.

Garlock (28:19)
but it was for something called the Hunger Games redo even sexier or something like that. Is that a that's what's happening? Jesus.

Willy (28:22)
Yes. Yes, yes. And that is a newsreel. That's a real newsreel.

Jason Gore (28:25)
god. Well.

Willy (28:28)
Now just to br

Jason Gore (28:29)
Rock hard

over here if if you guys just wanna

Garlock (28:30)
my god.

Jason Gore (28:31)
keep talking about this. My

god. Okay. Okay.

Willy (28:33)
I wish I I wish that was possible for

me now, but unfortunately I am medically unable to get an erection.

Garlock (28:40)
Chemically castrated.

Jason Gore (28:41)
my god.

Willy (28:42)
I was chemically castrated, as a lot

Garlock (28:44)
Yeah.

Willy (28:44)
of you know, I had an unfortunate incident

Jason Gore (28:46)
Heard about that.

Willy (28:47)
where I I had put on some glasses that were very dark, very, very dark glasses.

Jason Gore (28:57)
Too dark.

Willy (28:58)
they were too dark. They were I was trying to protect my eyes while going on a golf outing and I got

d glasses so dark they were what they call hip hop graded.

They were

Garlock (29:10)
Really?

Willy (29:11)
so

Jason Gore (29:10)
There you go.

Willy (29:11)
they were s they were like the tinted windows that the police will pull you over for.

Jason Gore (29:16)
Yeah.

Willy (29:16)
And I couldn't see and I was in the changing room the last time I had checked at the golf club, but through a series of I would say pretty wacky events, I slid on a a man, I remember a man cleaning an area of the tiled area of the golf club. Well, I sl I actually

started to slip on that soapy water with these glasses on I couldn't see anything. I was completely nude. I slid all the way out the golf course, kept slipping and sliding, and then found my way somehow into a junior high school girls locker room. And I started groping going, is this the club? Is this the golf club? Is this the golf club? And it turns out I was grabbing these young women. So

Jason Gore (30:06)
Okay.

Garlock (30:07)
Wow.

Jason Gore (30:07)
my god.

Garlock (30:08)
You

know when

it's in Caddyshack or Revenge of the Nerds direct to video sequel, it's hilarious. But apparently it's just fun.

Jason Gore (30:12)
It It just looks fun. End of the day looks

Willy (30:14)
Ted Knight Ted Knight could get away

Jason Gore (30:17)
a lot of fun.

Willy (30:17)
with it. Ted Knight

could get away with it, but not Willy Crystal. So after about four hours of groping, they and a standoff,

Garlock (30:25)
Dark glasses.

Willy (30:27)
standoff with SWAT team, I was tackled to the ground, nude, screaming and crying, of course, because I couldn't see, and the trial revealed unfortunately some very disturbing images on my hard drives.

that led them

Jason Gore (30:44)
my god.

Willy (30:45)
to decide that the best course of action was to pour acid on my penis.

Jason Gore (30:51)
Willie, we gotta go to the phone. We had somebody calling in asking about the news

Willy (30:54)
Sure, certainly.

Jason Gore (30:55)
here. line forty two, are you on?

Willy (30:58)
Hello, collar.

Jason Gore (30:59)
hey, Willie, this is this is Jeremy in Val Verde East, long time first time.

Willy (31:06)
Hello,

Jeremy, how you doing? How's it hangin' out there?

Jason Gore (31:09)
it's it's it's it's hanging.

Willy (31:12)
I'm envious.

Jason Gore (31:13)
I know I just heard that story and I feel awful bad telling you that it's hanging like it is when hearing that you're all chemically castrated and all that. But I just

Willy (31:20)
All right, okay.

Jason Gore (31:22)
I just called in 'cause you know, I watch the TikToks and I watch Fox News and ain't nobody giving me the direct skinny on what's going on in the Strait of Hormas. There you go. There you go. He hung up.

Garlock (31:33)
My God.

Willy (31:33)
yes, yeah. Yeah, wow. and that's it. He hung up. So

Garlock (31:38)
I just leaves. Our our collins hang around way too long.

Jason Gore (31:38)
All right. They li they they are there

forever. We're like, okay, goodbye, and they're like blah blah blah blah blah. Jesus.

Willy (31:45)
And they keep talking, yeah. Well that's Cranston.

Garlock (31:46)
Bunch of mouth breathing chuds. Your guys just get in and

get out.

Willy (31:48)
Cranston's quick, he's

Jason Gore (31:50)
I'm fast.

Willy (31:51)
fast, you don't see him coming and

Garlock (31:54)
We might gotta get

this guy on our s our show 'cause I mean, Jesus.

Jason Gore (31:57)
I won't

do it because I will never leave Willy Crystal. I will never. I'm loyal. Yep. Yep. We do. We d we know where the bodies are buried, if there were bodies buried, but there are definitely not. Good God.

Willy (31:59)
He's loyal. He is loyal and we have loyalty with each other. We keep each other's secrets. And we too if there were bodies buried, if there were bodies

Garlock (32:10)
My god, I can't imagine the secrets from what I hear on

air.

Willy (32:14)
He taught me how to not use a hard drive. And so

Jason Gore (32:19)
Yeah.

Willy (32:20)
well, I'll tell you the straight over who moves.

Garlock (32:21)
Does he have one of those Cronenberg

like organic hard drives that you can't hack?

Jason Gore (32:26)
What are you talking about?

Willy (32:26)
You know, I

don't know about that. An organic hard drive? Do you mean like some sort of org alien org technology?

Jason Gore (32:30)
Yeah, what are you talking about, Jeff? Organic hard drive.

Garlock (32:31)
Probably like someone from like Existenz or

Naked Lunch.

Jason Gore (32:35)
That'd be great if we had that.

Willy (32:36)
I would love

I first off I love Naked Lunch, especially when he starts talking but his mouth isn't moving and Peter Weller is staring and you go, This is the last thing Peter Weller's gonna do that anyone's gonna care about and it was true.

Garlock (32:51)
It was very true, until he became a professor. Then we really cared and wondered what was going on with his skin. But other than that.

Jason Gore (32:56)
Well,

let's honor the caller that called in with that question. And what is happening in the Strait of Hormuz, guys? What's happening there, guys?

Willy (33:00)
I'm gonna honor him right now. Well, first off, w I you know,

Garlock (33:00)
right, the collar. There was a collar.

Willy (33:05)
and this this links into something that people have been so curious about. You know, first I was a I was incredibly and I still am incredibly conservative. But I also also but I also

Jason Gore (33:15)
no no questions over here. Nobody's like, Is he still on

Garlock (33:15)
Really? Yeah. That was a sarcastic

Jason Gore (33:19)
that line? Is he

Garlock (33:19)
really, by the way.

Jason Gore (33:20)
still there? I mean Uhhuh.

Willy (33:21)
But I flirted with socialism and I do believe

in Medicare for all, and I do support Zoran

Jason Gore (33:26)
Wow.

Willy (33:27)
Mamdani a hundred percent and I am I'm

Garlock (33:30)
I'm Danny Head over here.

Willy (33:31)
a Mamdani head.

Jason Gore (33:31)
My god, I don't even do that.

Willy (33:33)
I love him. I think he's great. I think every single candidate that's been running, I wish that Graham Platiner had stayed in the race because he was I thought he was a great guy, and the more I learned about him, the more I liked him.

Jason Gore (33:44)
I mean, just having a Nazi tattoo doesn't mean you're a Nazi, even if it takes up half of your chest. Everybody knows that. Everybody knews that.

Willy (33:51)
Or maybe exactly or maybe

why don't you be proud of something for once in your life, okay? Show it off. I you know,

Jason Gore (33:56)
Yes! Own it! Own it! Show it!

Willy (34:00)
I I'm carving swastika into my forehead next month as a as a dare. Happy I'm going as Charles Manson. No. I o as you know I

Jason Gore (34:05)
There you go. Happy Halloween, everybody. I th I thought you were gonna say into your Jack o' lantern, but I didn't I didn't know you were going full Nance in there, Willie. That is

Garlock (34:05)
What could go wrong with that? Yeah.

Willy (34:14)
always commit to my Halloween costumes and this year it's Manson

Garlock (34:16)
That is true.

Jason Gore (34:17)
he commits.

Willy (34:18)
with all the documentaries coming out.

So what's important to understand now is that through

Jason Gore (34:23)
Mm-hmm.

Willy (34:23)
a series of epiphanies and spiritual events, I have actually unmoored from this reality. And I am

Jason Gore (34:32)
Whoa.

Garlock (34:32)
Really?

Willy (34:33)
able yes, this is a version of me talking to a version of

Jason Gore (34:36)
Okay.

Willy (34:37)
you in a timeline that we are constructing through our quantum cohesion. And this is very important to understand.

Jason Gore (34:45)
I mean wow.

Willy (34:45)
that I am moving through

various timelines all the time, like Krishna himself from the heathen Hindu religion. what's

Jason Gore (34:54)
Wait,

does that mean we're also doing it or is this just your party? Are you just doing this? Are are we are there multiple wisps all around you just like?

Garlock (34:58)
It's your you're your your shebang. We're just we're just watching the

Willy (35:00)
Well we're all everywhere there are

multiple Wisps, but I can tune them out through focused crystalline training that I've done.

Jason Gore (35:10)
I bet we I

bet Jeff wishes he could do that. God, that'd be great. That'd be great.

Garlock (35:14)
I wish I could tune out all the Jeff the Angermans in my head and I I only got one and that one's hard enough. Jesus

Willy (35:19)
Well

Garlock (35:19)
Christ.

Willy (35:19)
think

about this. Every time you hear a version of yourself in your mind, it is

Jason Gore (35:23)
Mm-hmm.

Willy (35:24)
a quantum unconscious version of yourself from another reality communicating with you.

Jason Gore (35:30)
Well then that guy, that wisp, is an absolute pervert who says things in here

Willy (35:34)
Yes.

Garlock (35:34)
My god.

Jason Gore (35:35)
that I'm never gonna say out loud unless I'm

Willy (35:38)
Yes.

Jason Gore (35:38)
tucked in at home at Turlington Manor.

Willy (35:41)
Well I've been yeah. It's hungry.

Garlock (35:41)
And that guy up here in my brain is just kind of a little hungry. So I just really he just

keeps talking about how he just wants some buff.

Jason Gore (35:45)
I could eat. I could eat.

Garlock (35:48)
I get eat, I get eat.

Willy (35:49)
Well, this is interesting because I've traveled to a dimension wisp where you are essentially the John Wayne Gacy of that reality. Yes, and I've traveled to a

Jason Gore (35:58)
Knew it. Knew it. Felt it always.

Willy (36:01)
world where you, Jeff, are just a little bit more hungry than you are right now. You see, not every

Garlock (36:06)
Wow.

Willy (36:07)
reality is a completely wildly different. They are

Garlock (36:13)
Right.

Willy (36:13)
on a spectrum of difference.

And as you move further away from them, your timeline shifts become more for instance, a lot of people might say, Well, I remember who's the boss. Ted Danson was the employee and Judith

Garlock (36:28)
Yeah we all say that.

Willy (36:30)
and J

Jason Gore (36:30)
Everyone's like,

who's the boss? Ted Dancing. Clearly, clearly. Yeah. Yep.

Garlock (36:33)
Ted dance it.

Willy (36:33)
T Ted Danzen. Ted Danson and and But

Garlock (36:36)
Shelley Long as the lady.

Willy (36:39)
I come from a reality where Judith Light was the boss

Jason Gore (36:45)
What?

Willy (36:46)
and

Garlock (36:46)
What?

Willy (36:46)
Tony Danza is the employee. Yes.

Jason Gore (36:49)
God, I would love

to see that show.

Garlock (36:52)
'Cause in our

version it's just Angela S Samantha coach and and of course the coach is the is the mother who lives there. Yeah.

Willy (36:55)
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And that's right, and she lives with her grandfather who is named coach who is

Jason Gore (36:55)
Angela! Angela!

Moose. Yep. Yep.

Willy (37:05)
identifies

Jason Gore (37:05)
Wait.

Willy (37:06)
as a woman.

Jason Gore (37:07)
Wait, wait, wait, wait, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. You're saying Tony Danza

Garlock (37:09)
Back up, back up. Squeezing me baking powder.

Jason Gore (37:11)
didn't die on the set of taxi. He went on and did another show called Who's the Boss That We Know

Willy (37:16)
No, it's right. Yes.

Jason Gore (37:19)
with Ted Dancing?

Willy (37:20)
Yes, exactly. In my re

Jason Gore (37:22)
Of Becker fame.

Willy (37:23)
in my re now that is the one unifying piece of information actually is that Ted Danson does Becker in almost every reality and it's never it's never popular. It's never interesting, never popular. Eighteen it's three

Garlock (37:32)
Becker is still an important show in every reality. Okay, good.

Jason Gore (37:33)
My god. Never popular. No one ever liked it. 18 seasons. 18 seasons of Becker.

Garlock (37:38)
okay. But it was on for twenty seasons, yes. Eighteen seasons of Becker.

Willy (37:44)
empty nest runs. Now

Jason Gore (37:45)
my

god.

Willy (37:46)
Now this

Garlock (37:47)
And Dan Harmon

Willy (37:47)
is yes, Dan Harmon. Yes, Dan Harmon,

Garlock (37:47)
still did Becker though, right? And he always said eighteen seasons in a movie of Becker. Okay.

Jason Gore (37:52)
Yep. Becker.

Willy (37:53)
he did do it and but here's what's interesting is about the straight awaros, which is okay.

Garlock (37:58)
right, I forgot we were talking

Jason Gore (37:59)
thank

God. Thank God.

Garlock (38:00)
about that Jesus. He

is the pro.

Willy (38:02)
There is a around the world, as we know, there are ley lines, various areas of energy centers that comport with each other in order to create membranes by which we can pass physically between realities. Now I do something that is a a what they call a temporal conscious quantum shift. My body remains

Jason Gore (38:25)
boy.

Willy (38:25)
in this reality, but my mind shifts to different versions of myself and

I no longer occupy that self, another self takes over, but it's seamless for that other self. So to you, if you were to have a temporal quantum conscious shift, you would

Jason Gore (38:43)
Right.

Willy (38:44)
simply have a moment of deja vu, a moment where you went, wait a minute, I thought I already did that, but it's just simply you leaving yourself and entering a new version of oneself.

Jason Gore (38:53)
Jesus. I

Garlock (38:54)
my god.

I thought Ant-Man Quantumania was complicated. This is blowing my brain.

Jason Gore (38:55)
have a question. My God.

Willy (38:58)
It's bullshit. Quantumania is bullshit.

Jason Gore (39:00)
I gotta say, okay,

Willy (39:00)
Total bullshit.

Jason Gore (39:01)
now in this timeline that you visited with the other Who's the Boss with Tony Danza, who didn't blow his brains out on the set of taxi, let's just hypothetically.

Willy (39:05)
Right right, right, yes. Which is right, right. Wow, that's wild.

Jason Gore (39:12)
Was God, it was awful. It was awful. Yeah. I cannot believe.

Garlock (39:12)
His brain just went all over Reverend Jim and they left it in the episode, which was a crazy episode, but I can't believe you didn't see that. It's still on

Willy (39:18)
And Christopher Lloyd

and Christopher Lloyd goes on to have an incredible career, right? In time travel movies. He did.

Jason Gore (39:23)
my god, so did Andy Kaufman. Andy Kaufman,

Garlock (39:25)
Andy

Jason Gore (39:25)
I I I see

Garlock (39:25)
Captain, yeah.

Jason Gore (39:26)
he's coming on the on the Wis Turlington show next week. my god.

Willy (39:28)
He's still alive?

Garlock (39:29)
He's teaching us how to make baklava!

Jason Gore (39:31)
He had

Willy (39:32)
Wow.

Jason Gore (39:33)
the best. We he did his show the other day and he did that that mighty mouse bullshit. And I'm like, still

Garlock (39:38)
my god.

Jason Gore (39:39)
as good as the first day he ever did it. Still as good as the first.

Willy (39:40)
He's still doing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's still it's not played out.

Garlock (39:42)
He wa he's hinting he might do something

called Tony Clifton and we'll see how that is. I think it's gonna be quite interesting.

Willy (39:46)
he's trying a new in

Jason Gore (39:46)
I got.

Willy (39:48)
my reality, he does a Tony Clifton and then he dies from cancer. Yes. And most people at

Jason Gore (39:53)
No, no, no, no, no, no, please God, no.

Willy (39:56)
first go, Wow, this guy's incredible, but then when you read a few books about him, you go, Well, he kind of just ran over the same material over and over again. And maybe it's possible

Jason Gore (40:04)
No

Garlock (40:05)
No no

Willy (40:06)
that we just inflated his genius with a sort of toxic sense of personality and that we worship that type of human behavior.

Before we opened ourselves up to understanding that maybe toxic male behavior might actually not be a vehicle for creativity.

Jason Gore (40:23)
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Garlock (40:23)
So your Andy Kaufman is not a major content creator.

Jason Gore (40:27)
Right, like an influencer in your world.

Willy (40:29)
Content there's no

good the only content are his contents in a box buried six feet under.

Garlock (40:33)
my god. Jesus.

Jason Gore (40:34)
Jesus, that's bleak.

All right, y'all, we gotta go to a break. And since we're talking, who's since we're talking who's the boss, let's play the theme, everybody. We're gonna talk the biggest news stories of the day coming up. Gonna love it. Gonna love it right here. More Willy Crystal show coming up on Valley Newsradio 88-88. And we're gonna hear from little

Garlock (40:53)
boy.

Jason Gore (40:54)
Bill Clinton himself. Here we go.

The Willy Crystal Show on Valley Newsradio 8888.

Willy (42:28)
You know, I have a specialized headset that blocks out the music that intros each segment. Yeah, yeah. 'Cause I can't hear I don't want to hear. I d never hear them, Cranson.

Jason Gore (42:33)
Really? You can't hear the songs I'm picking? Well, that's

Peaches by the President of the United States of America, but not the president that we love and know Donald Trump.

Willy (42:44)
Now where is little Bill Clinton right now?

Jason Gore (42:46)
He is in the green room just slopping through the rest of those long long vaginas I put in my he's under you? blow you good God he's under the table he's just grabbing at my leg Okay

Garlock (42:52)
gee nope he's no he's below me. He's down here. Hey, back off. All right, slick Willie. My god. He just has him hanging

Willy (43:00)
he's scurrying around. there he is. I'll catch him.

Garlock (43:03)
out of his mouth and he's just Alright, here's some balloons. Get out of here. Jesus Christ. Come come out!

Jason Gore (43:06)
Jesus there.

Willy (43:07)
You got You got him? You gotta grab him by the back of the neck like a kitten.

Just grab him

Jason Gore (43:11)
Yeah!

Willy (43:12)
like a kitten. There you go.

Jason Gore (43:15)
Okay. All right. Now he is gonna talk. He's got he's gonna do his segment

Garlock (43:15)
Jesus Christ. He's cute though. He's cute as hell.

Willy (43:16)
So the s he will be talking. He's gonna talk.

Jason Gore (43:20)
here in just a second, because it's it's paid for by Flemington Laxatives and Farnsworth Chocolates. They

are the sponsors today. Yeah, very good at promos, very good at promos.

Willy (43:26)
He's very good at promos. Very good at promos. He's very good. But the straighter

Garlock (43:30)
Guy, he's the best.

Willy (43:31)
or moose is a d i the reason we're fighting over it.

Jason Gore (43:34)
my god,

Garlock (43:35)
Mike, I forgot we were talking about that, Jesus.

Jason Gore (43:35)
we're still talking about the straight over moves. I

Willy (43:38)
I'm gonna finally finish. I'm gonna finish on this.

Jason Gore (43:38)
I'm still I'm still hung up on danza, a world where danza still exists.

Garlock (43:41)
My god, I'm

hung up on this quantum bullshit that I can't understand.

Willy (43:45)
Well,

guess the answer is there. President

Jason Gore (43:47)
Okay.

Willy (43:48)
Trump understands because he has been touched by multidimensional beings, this is why he's releasing these alien files. And he understands that the Iranian people, who are an ancient, wizard like people, they have been controlling this quantum gateway.

and not charging any money for it. So all these quantum

Garlock (44:09)
That's nice.

Jason Gore (44:10)
What?

Willy (44:10)
these multidimensional creatures are just coming in and out of the Strait of Hamous. They're not paying a tariff. They're not paying it and they're they're zipping around,

Jason Gore (44:17)
They better pay.

Willy (44:18)
forming formations. They're making lights in the sky. They're hiding under the ocean. They've built an entire society underneath the crust of this earth that is you know egalitarian and has free health care and all the stuff that my hero Mamdani wants

But you have to go underground

Garlock (44:33)
Sounds pretty nice.

Jason Gore (44:33)
man.

Willy (44:34)
to get it and you have to hold your breath for quite a long time. And since we don't have the liquid oxygen that was made available only briefly to film the movie The Abyss, that we can't go underwater to these underwater cities except we can

Jason Gore (44:48)
Yeah. That was real.

Willy (44:50)
force these that was real.

Garlock (44:50)
That was that was a documentary, The Abyss?

Willy (44:53)
The abysses absolutely absolutely.

Jason Gore (44:53)
That was the documentary of the Abyss where they

they they breathed that stuff and just Ed Harris was like, it was real. One of my good best friends in the entire world, Ed Harris. They were. Maria Lastamaroleo.

Garlock (44:57)
They moment they're like, Hold on, just let it go in and you're just like, Jesus Christ.

Willy (45:00)
That's right. Yes. And and they were married at Harris and Il Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio. Yeah,

Garlock (45:08)
Maria Mr Antonio.

My God. Maid Marion herself

Willy (45:11)
they were j and she was something else in that movie.

Garlock (45:14)
going back to Robin Hood. You see how it my god, the quantum hero

Jason Gore (45:16)
There full circle. Hey, I got a question.

Willy (45:17)
It does all connect yes.

Yes, Cranson, you don't have to raise your hand.

Jason Gore (45:19)
I got a question. Cranston has a question here. Now now these I

well thank you. Thank you. I got qu I have so much blood on my hand that

Garlock (45:25)
Got a lot of blood on your hands there, Cranston, I have to say.

Jason Gore (45:28)
I will not explain, but it has nothing to do with my question. Here we go. Now

Garlock (45:31)
Metaphorically and

Willy (45:33)
and I do have

Garlock (45:33)
literally.

Willy (45:33)
to do an update on the it the fourteenth killing in the last eight weeks has occurred. i i and and we are still curious these bodies are found missing various parts, organs and limbs, and w there's still

Jason Gore (45:47)
Hmm. Dang.

Willy (45:50)
no closer to knowing who is committing these horrific crimes.

Garlock (45:54)
Yeah,

Jason Gore (45:54)
We

Garlock (45:54)
maybe I will eat one of these

Jason Gore (45:55)
are

Garlock (45:55)
long pigs right now. Looking pretty good actually. We've been sitting here on Bill dropped one by my feet.

Jason Gore (45:58)
Just ate it. It's delicious. It's

it's delicious. Now my question for for you, here we go. Here we go.

Willy (46:02)
Yes, yes.

Jason Gore (46:04)
Now are we talking are we talking Pleiadians? Are we talking Nordics? Are we talking Greys? Are Or are we talking that video

Willy (46:13)
Grays.

Garlock (46:14)
Or are we talking Christopher Walken, dancing with all of in communion? Which one?

Jason Gore (46:18)
where Christopher Walken dan dances?

Willy (46:20)
Well, that video doesn't happen in my reality so I've never seen it.

Garlock (46:23)
Wait what? You're telling me Christopher

Jason Gore (46:24)
my god.

Garlock (46:26)
Watkin isn't a fantastic dancer in everything he does.

Willy (46:29)
No, Christopher Walken is considered a boarish, boring man who sucks up time on talk shows, nobody likes him. That's the reality I come from.

Jason Gore (46:37)
Fuck you! my god, that's my

I am so sorry that was my reaction. He's my favorite actor and dancer of all times.

Garlock (46:43)
Wow. Jesus Christ.

Willy (46:45)
No, his career ended very early. He did he did a a a movie with Robert Wagner's lovely wife, Natalie Wood, who's who just celebrated

Jason Gore (46:55)
Natalie Wood Still

Garlock (46:56)
Natalie Wood.

Willy (46:58)
her ninety third birthday and

Jason Gore (47:01)
Not in our world.

Garlock (47:01)
Wait

wow, let's not get into that one.

Jason Gore (47:04)
Yeah.

Willy (47:05)
w

well, you know, she they they did a I have no idea what you're referencing, but

Jason Gore (47:05)
Yeah. Don't get on the boat, Natalie. I

I know that. Yep. What what are we pointing out in the hot T shirt

Garlock (47:11)
It's a good reminder that we do have Don't Get On the Boat Natalie shirts available at the one eight point nine the Hawk sh t-shirt store.

Jason Gore (47:18)
store?

Willy (47:18)
Well, I'll

tell you that he made a movie called Brainstorm. That's what it was called. A very unpopular film. No one liked it.

Jason Gore (47:22)
my god. Popular.

Willy (47:24)
but it connects interestingly with the thing we're discussing, which is yes, pleadians, Greys, Arcadians, people from the the ISIS system. You have all kinds of various multi dimensional beings moving in and out I mean the place is basically Grand Central Station, and President Trump wants to lock it down and he wants to charge a fee.

To cross multidimensionally so that they will open up their undersea utopia to us, and he then he plans to start drilling 'cause it'll be that much closer to

Jason Gore (47:56)
I hope so. god, I hope so.

Willy (47:59)
that great sweet oil that's so deep on the crust. Yeah.

Jason Gore (48:02)
I wanna taste it. I wanna I wanna put my mouth up against

that oil hole and just let it come on through. Come on through Cranston. Okay.

Willy (48:09)
All right, Cranston. But I'll tell you

Garlock (48:10)
Wow. So you're telling

Willy (48:12)
that's it.

Garlock (48:12)
us there's a

Stargate in the in the Strait of Hormuz?

Willy (48:15)
Yes, there's a Stargate there and they're filming

Jason Gore (48:17)
Ball.

Willy (48:17)
actually a sequel in the Strait of Hormuz. It's one of the other reasons why we

Jason Gore (48:20)
What? My god.

Willy (48:21)
need to secure the area. We can't allow the Houthis and various other groups of people to attack the Stargate crew. they're reuniting. the whole original cast is reuniting to do this film. Yes, both of them. And he's showing his penis

Garlock (48:33)
Kurt Russell and the person from the crying game are all gonna be there. My god.

Jason Gore (48:36)
My God. My God.

Willy (48:39)
again in this.

Garlock (48:40)
Just

like the end of Sleepaway camp put in a Stargate situation. This is gonna be really interesting.

Willy (48:43)
Exactly. And

and s yes, so that's that's basically we're we're winning the war in Iran. the Navajo have cursed the Grand Canyon

Jason Gore (48:54)
Lord.

Willy (48:54)
with a flood, and of course the fourteenth victim of the night butcher is still out there.

Jason Gore (48:59)
They're never gonna

catch him. And I gotta keep, Lord, I have to keep this man on task. I have to keep him on task. I have

Willy (49:04)
Okay, yes. Sure.

Jason Gore (49:06)
to say, ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for little Bill Clinton. And he's gonna be reading a part of his first inaugural address on January twentieth, nineteen ninety-three, brought to you by Farnsworth Laxatives. Here we go.

I'm seeing this.

We celebrate the mystery of American window. This animation here is helping them to win.

Garlock (49:35)
He's adorable.

Jason Gore (49:36)
But words we speak in the places we show the world we force.

Willy (49:41)
Look at him go.

Jason Gore (49:42)
In spring reborn is the world's oldest democracy that brings both the vision and courage to reinvent America.

Willy (49:48)
Ooh, he j he just shot a little.

Garlock (49:51)
boy. that is sweet. Mm mm mm mm.

Jason Gore (49:58)
Our families boldly declared America's independence to the world and our purpose to the Almighty they know that America will turn to it without the change.

Garlock (50:05)
Worried he's gonna hyperventilate, Jesus. It's just his high voice.

Willy (50:07)
That's just his tiny voice.

Jason Gore (50:07)
Not change what change change is hate

What change to preserves America's ideas? My flavored universal heaven So we march to the music of our time Our music mission is timeless In today's wheel of crystal silver IT buff Clemens and Lexatives Clemens and Lexatives

Willy (50:30)
Good boy.

Jason Gore (50:31)
For when you gotta go Yeah

Willy (50:37)
Good boy.

Garlock (50:37)
He is good

at that promo. Wow, you were right. My God. My God. We gotta get a little Ben Clinton on the Wisterlington show too.

Jason Gore (50:39)
That was incredible. Jesus Chr Thank you. Jesus Christ.

Willy (50:40)
Good boy, little Bill Clinton. Excellent job.

Well he's

Jason Gore (50:46)
It's like we

have nothing. And I'm paying for all of this. We have nothing. We have no Cranston. We have no little Bill Clinton. Just sprain frosting. And we have nothing booked. I mean,

Garlock (50:53)
And literally we have nothing booked for next show and it's in like four hours. My God.

Jason Gore (50:57)
Jesus Christ.

Willy (50:57)
I have to tell you,

Shebuchum, he is so entertaining and of course if anything ever happens to him, we do have we do have Sideways Al Gore. So we actually

Jason Gore (51:08)
Wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What is Sideways Al Gore?

Garlock (51:09)
Beep beep beep beep beep back up back up.

Willy (51:12)
So what we did was the cloning process, we we thought, well, let's clone him in a wider tube but with less height and see what happens.

Jason Gore (51:19)
Makes sense. Okay, perfect.

Willy (51:21)
And he grew sideways. So his head is his neck is on where his ear would be, his arms come out where his legs are, and his legs are on just the top half of his torso. And

Garlock (51:37)
This is just

Jason Gore (51:37)
And every

time I look at him I'm

Garlock (51:37)
like the plot.

This is just like the plot of that movie Sideways, directed by David Cronenberg. My god, just

Willy (51:43)
yes, that's exact

great Canadian.

Jason Gore (51:45)
David

Cronenberg's sideways.

Garlock (51:48)
He

said, No Merlo

Willy (51:48)
David Cronenberg

and it's so great. And if anything ever happens to Little Bill Clinton, Sideways Al Gore will take over.

Garlock (51:57)
My God.

Jason Gore (51:57)
Every time

I look over at little Bill Clinton, I'm like, That's good eatin'. That is good good eat that's a lot of wide eatin'.

Willy (52:03)
he would be Well,

he's like Veal. And you know, the th best thing about little about Sideways Al Gore, he still likes those rub and tug massages. So he's still the sa he

Garlock (52:13)
that's nice.

Willy (52:14)
has the same proclivity as regular Al Gore, which is

Garlock (52:17)
It's nice to know

that no matter how many things change, some things just stay the same, you know?

Willy (52:22)
It's true.

Think about how many times you got jerked off by a massage woman that you knew did it. And then what you're undoing is is that you just go to a massage person and just you assume you're gonna get jerked off and then they go, my god, what the vice president of the United States expects me to jerk him off and it it's what d it's what takes you out, you know.

Jason Gore (52:47)
Well that's it. Well, I'm just

Willy (52:47)
It's all this, that's what it is. And and Cranc, do you have any last words? Well what are we for dinner tonight?

Jason Gore (52:53)
we my god, I am making the biggest pot of corn dog soup you've ever eaten or looked at or d just gandered at yourself in your life. You're coming over, ain't you?

Willy (53:05)
I'm

absolutely of course I'm coming over and then I'm gonna tuck you into bed. of I don't

Jason Gore (53:09)
Hope so. What about me?

Garlock (53:10)
Not gonna lie, I'm starting to think you might wanna wonder about where those corn dogs came from, if you know what I mean.

Willy (53:14)
think about it, Jeff. I just eat it. folks, listen, remember get your pharmaceuticals at Walred's, one of the best pharmacies around. And and of course extra cost extra cost company for your bulk items.

And remember that the Berenstein bears are not Jewish.

Jason Gore (53:38)
And you tuck me in and live but says

Willy (53:41)
And I tucked

little Bill Clinton in at night. Folks, keep dreaming and jumping dimensions because Willy Crystal will be there in every single one of them.

Jason Gore (53:51)
I'm getting

Willy (53:55)
Come over here, little pal.

Jason Gore (53:57)
in your

lap. That's the first time we've

Willy (54:01)
Was that fun?

Garlock (54:02)
Yeah, bad.

Jason Gore (54:03)
ever done anything like that. my God. I was thinking about this because

Garlock (54:05)
And of course we had to do it with a Tammanic because we knew we could pull it off.

Jason Gore (54:10)
of all of the Willy crew, I was thinking, like, how do we evolve? And this is the interview, everybody. Welcome to the interview. We were like, how do we evolve, Willy? And I'm we've never done

A show that appears on Valley Newsradio. And I produced this. I produced the Kimmer show in this, like if you've never listened to the Kimmer show, he does it on a podcast now. He was one of the he was one of the nicest men in the world. Very conservative,

Willy (54:34)
They often are.

Jason Gore (54:35)
very conservative on WGST. Right,

Garlock (54:37)
Nice when they're not on a mic.

Jason Gore (54:39)
right.

Willy (54:39)
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jason Gore (54:41)
that and truly that's what it is like in normal conversation, perfect, on the mic

Willy (54:46)
Yeah.

Jason Gore (54:46)
character.

Willy (54:47)
Yeah. Yeah.

Jason Gore (54:48)
One thousand percent. And then he would get on

his motorcycle trike and then just speed up Peachtree. Yeah, just just

Garlock (54:52)
Ha ha ha.

Willy (54:53)
Really? You know, that's

the funny thing is you always wonder w was the mistake I've always thought about this and I think it's true with Trump even still. Is the mistake I mean I I I can hear people screaming when I say this 'cause it's wrong, but I'm just gonna say

Jason Gore (55:08)
Right.

Willy (55:08)
it anyway. W and maybe this was only if it started in the beginning. You know, when you had and I I'll mention this probably every single time, but Morton Downey Junior, no one took that seriously. Everyone knew it was a sideshow.

Jason Gore (55:20)
No.

You knew that's

Willy (55:22)
If

Jason Gore (55:22)
what it was.

Willy (55:23)
if P so I will always go back to centrist neoliberal democrats failed because they failed. They

Jason Gore (55:32)
Yes.

Willy (55:33)
failed because of their desire to try to win that narrow sliver of right wing votes. And that if we had not taken Limbaugh, if we had not taken those people seriously, if we had not given oxygen, if we had called out them for being the entertainment that they were.

And I'm not saying they were entertaining to me, although I will not lie that some of that stuff was very funny to listen to because it was so crazy.

Garlock (55:58)
We

Jason Gore (55:58)
It was nuts.

Garlock (55:58)
talk about all the time.

It's what bonded us when we first met at U C B because we both would be

Willy (56:01)
Yeah like Yes.

Garlock (56:04)
like enamored by the insanity of it.

Willy (56:06)
Wally George, you

Limbaugh, all these so that the mistake

Jason Gore (56:11)
Ports.

Willy (56:11)
w yeah, was the elevation of it.

Jason Gore (56:14)
Mm-hmm.

Willy (56:15)
And that what we did in a way, I'm not we, but what the establishment did was they elevated it because I think their strategy was they thought it would be an easy straw man to take apart. And

Jason Gore (56:27)
Mm-hmm.

Willy (56:28)
the mis and instead they made a golem. They made this horrible, strong monster that was indestructible.

Jason Gore (56:35)
Yes.

Willy (56:35)
And now

We like vacillate between panic and the irony being that now there's a populist movement within this centrist party that's had, you know, ten years too late and the the desire is to squash it, as opposed to doing what we should have done, which is elevate it because that's the sideshow that happened on the right. Let the sideshow happen on the left.

Jason Gore (56:58)
Yes. Comedy.

Garlock (57:00)
I

Jason Gore (57:00)
Yes.

Garlock (57:00)
feel like

part of it that I've been thinking about lately because I've also been thinking about it with music, where it's a lot of people of like, Why is this band so big now? From like twenty years ago? You know, and

Willy (57:08)
Yeah. Yeah.

Garlock (57:10)
the argument is like with streaming and everything, like everything got leveled out. So like you could be Van Halen, you could be like a band that put out one seven inch, it's gonna be in the same feed. And I do think that's the part that got at best lip service that it was

Jason Gore (57:23)
Mm-hmm.

Garlock (57:24)
like, Well, when we were watching Morton Downey, there were the people who

believed it and cared about it, but we wouldn't hear from them. It was

Willy (57:28)
Yes, of course. Yes.

Garlock (57:31)
the same

Jason Gore (57:31)
Right.

Garlock (57:32)
as like, man, I love it when there were crazy people at U C B and then

Willy (57:35)
Yes.

Garlock (57:35)
like then all of a sudden you give a voice with whatever versions of social media that just keep morphing left and right and changing

Willy (57:42)
Yep. Yep.

Garlock (57:43)
with it and everyone has the same exact voice like the same volume. Like it does not and so like and it got

Willy (57:49)
Right. I think that's

by design though.

Garlock (57:53)
Yeah, and got just the and then and then furthered by obviously the algorithm also then embracing anger and hatred and long form bullshit because they just want more hours to meet these insane quotas for stockholders but without like anyone on the side fighting it being like, you know, this is something like we should actually look at. Like we should instead

Jason Gore (58:15)
Well it's it's

Willy (58:15)
Yeah.

Garlock (58:16)
it's just like I'm gonna do an impression as well and it's like, but you're not good at it, so Yeah.

Jason Gore (58:18)
Yeah.

Willy (58:20)
Yes, yeah, a lot of posers. A lot of posers

in the realm.

Jason Gore (58:24)
Yeah. And

Garlock (58:25)
And then everyone

gets so worked up. Like it like it's like we watch all of our friend like get worked

Jason Gore (58:29)
Mm-hmm.

Garlock (58:29)
up about everything again on the same level playing field. So

Willy (58:30)
Yes. Yes.

Garlock (58:33)
then you can't tell what is the thing you actually should be as like fight instead of flight. it it's it's yeah, it's a confusing mess.

Willy (58:39)
Yeah. Yeah.

Jason Gore (58:40)
Yeah. It's a it's a tough

thing though, because like in the nineties, like right wing talk radio got so popular, then gave birth to what Fox News became by amplifying those voices and bringing them to TV. And,

Garlock (58:54)
Mm-hmm.

Willy (58:55)
Yes, yes.

Jason Gore (58:56)
you know, and that's what put us in the fucking mess that we're in.

Willy (58:59)
Yes. I mean I think that what put us in the mess where I've I've I've had a pretty like Willy Crystal, a slight

Jason Gore (59:06)
Yeah.

Willy (59:06)
awakening in the sense that or reconnection with my rebellious self and understanding that lot of these issues don't get air if people had a living wage, had a little bit of free time, if people could live in a single

Jason Gore (59:21)
Exactly. Exactly.

Willy (59:23)
income household.

Not out

Jason Gore (59:25)
Mm-hmm.

Willy (59:25)
of keeping a woman at home or anything like that. Just a single income household could do it. That

someone could own at least some element of property or that we changed rentals into rent to owns, that we had thought inventively about, you know, how to rescript society when we had the opportunity.

And not through social engineering. Social engineering pretty much does it work. I mean, we've shown that trying to you can't get someone not to hate somebody. If they want to hate them, they're gonna hate them inside. You can

Jason Gore (59:55)
Right. Right.

Willy (59:58)
educate the accessible people. Like there are definitely people who go along to get along. We're all men, we all know we all at some point as boys go along to get along because we

Jason Gore (1:00:08)
Mm-hmm.

Willy (1:00:09)
don't want to get beat up or we don't want to deal with w, you know, the the social consequences.

And then you exit that as you get older and you go, what am I doing? I don't need to reinforce this shit. Not every man goes through that, but a lot of a lot of men I think go through that. So the what's interesting to me now is it's easy to look at the monster and they are monstrous, no doubt. But I firm I've said this in a million podcasts. if Democrats were in charge, the current Democratic Party was in charge, establishment in charge, they'd be telling us how data centers were great.

They'd be telling us how great AI is. A lot of them are.

Garlock (1:00:41)
Mm-hmm.

Jason Gore (1:00:42)
one thousand percent. Yes. Yes.

Willy (1:00:44)
It's all the no one is considering in a real way people

Jason Gore (1:00:50)
Mm-hmm.

Willy (1:00:51)
me, I like doing this this type of stuff now, whether it's the RFK, the good science show available

Jason Gore (1:00:55)
Yeah. Yeah.

Garlock (1:00:56)
Mm-hmm.

Willy (1:00:57)
wherever you get your podcasts and YouTube, Good Science Pod.

Jason Gore (1:01:01)
That is how you fucking do it. I was gonna lead you there, but holy shit, we're there.

Garlock (1:01:00)
He's a pro, goddammit.

Willy (1:01:05)
Instagram, good science

Jason Gore (1:01:06)
Yeah.

Willy (1:01:07)
pod. But like doing I always love com coming on and doing Willy Crystal

Jason Gore (1:01:12)
It's so much fun.

Willy (1:01:13)
because wearing the skin of an idiot in a way where they have a little bit of humanity and intelligence too is funny and also just that's more real.

That's actually more how it is.

Jason Gore (1:01:28)
at

least we have one eight point nine the hawk and we have good science with RFK Junior. thank you so much. Love you too.

Willy (1:01:33)
Thank you for having me and I love you guys. This is always the most

Garlock (1:01:35)
Thank you, buddy. Love you, buddy.

Willy (1:01:37)
fun.